.. .. My wish

Why do I have to pay for her mistakes? Why do I have to fix what she has broken? Why do I have to be the glue to your heart? Why do I have to be the girl you want but is scared of to have? Why do I have to be the person you lean on while your heart is telling you to let me go? Why do I have to be your fixer? Why do I have to be the girl you love but not the girl you want to be with? 

You know I cannot be her, I will never and I never would want to. You know that I can never go back in time and erase the pain she caused you. you know I would have if I could. I am not her. Though I wish I was there before her. I wish I knew you before her, so I could love you and you can do the same. I wish I never knew you, so I could live my life in a way that I always lived before your existence in my life. I wish you did not meet her. I wish she did not break you for I wanted the whole of you not your piece. I wish she would have been your dream and not something that you are dragging along with you every day. I wish for a lot. I wish I did not see you, I wish I had not walked towards you, I wish I did not know you like I did. I wish I contained myself, said nothing, felt nothing, told you nothing. I wish I did not open up to you, I did not touch you, I wish I did not make you a part of my life, a part of my heart. I wish I tried harder, I wish you did too.

A wish is all I am left now.. ..now my wish has also changed. You have become my wish. You, just you. To have you in my life, in my daily routine, to talk to you, to smile to your name not hurt. To be able to say he is mine, not he used to be mine. To be able to go where we used to go, not to avoid those places. To able to wake up and smile cause you are the other piece to my heart not the hole in it. To be able to hold you, hug you, kiss you, do stupid things with you. To argue with you on stupid issues, to hear your voice, to hear what you have to say, to walk with you, to just do nothing with you. To be able to sleep without worrying how the pain will ease in the morning, to be able to wake up and pray. To be able to pray about something than pain, to be able to ask God to keep you safe rather than to help me move on. To be able to talk to my friends and never zoom out. To be able to be there for them like I have always been rather to run away when they start to ask me for advices. To be able to go by my days without worrying when the tear will roll out of my eyes. To be able to breath without pain, without a reminder of you, without your face in my eyes, your scent all over me, your name in my mind, you in my heart.

OH! I wish I met you before her, before she ruined you , before she created that dark heart of yours. I can never be her. I hate her, a girl who ruined what could have been my present and future. I hate you for making me pay her burden, for wanting me to be the person who will wash away her mistake. I wish I had never met you. I wish you never met her.  I wish I did not fall for you. I wish it was a nightmare, not a living nightmare but a nightmare where I get to wake up and live my life. I wish.. ..but my wish will never become my reality. Because what has happened has happened, what has been done has been done. I have loved you, she has broken you, you have chosen to shut me out. you have loved me, you  have wanted me, she has ruined you, and you can never have me, I can never be have you.. ..now it is just my wish, the wish that will never become a reality.

My wish, I wish I was her.. ..

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